I hate to be a party pooper but I really hate the comedy festival.

All those posters everywhere of so called funny people pulling weird faces for the camera. All those hundreds of shows which are supposed to be hilarious but are actually just some asshole talking about themselves. I blame Greg Fleet. Ever since he started telling audiences about his drug addiction, everybody wants to talk for an hour about being a the son of a priest, being fat as a child or being married to an Arab. “Confessional standup” they call it. We call it charging people $40 to listen to you work through your issues.

Then there are comedians who believe anything is funny if you make it into a song. Not true. It’s actually just what people do when they can sing a bit but are too ugly to be in a band. Worst of all are Australia’s “comedic royalty”. People like Adam Hills and Dave Hughes. People that have never been funny like Will Anderson and that woman who used to be on all of Rove’s shows. That really annoyingly nasal one. If you’re too boring to be on Rove you should really look into another profession.

The real problem is that these big festivals aren’t a celebration of art. They’re just overblown trade shows in disguise. Anyone can buy a slot and put on whatever piece of crap show they want. That’s why for every good comic like Steve Coogan or Arj Barker, there’s about 80 nerds from the Melbourne University Revue.

Come on comedy festival, I know we all need a laugh at the moment, but this is a joke.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t mind seeing Steve Coogan: